: #Laughs ---------------------- BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER AND TASTIER, TOO.

Posted in: #Laughs

#Laughs ---------------------- BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER AND TASTIER, TOO.

---------------------- FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.

---------------------- I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

----------------------- I can't dial911.

There's no 11 on my phone.

------------------------ Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.

----------------------- JESUS LOVES YOU.

It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.

----------------------- I married Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was, "Always".

----------------------- What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free? ------------------------ Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded firestation? ------------------------ It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

------------------------ If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy? ------------------------ 1955 - 1975: 36 Elvis Movies.

1975 - 1998: Nothing.

------------------------- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

---------------------- When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

---------------------- Don't get married.

Find someone you hate and buy them a house.

----------------------- Be nice to your kids.

They'll choose your nursing home.

------------------------ I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.

I don't like to interrupt her.

----------------------- Very funny, Scotty.

Now beam down my clothes.

----------------------- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Or, dirty martini holder.

----------------------- A closed mouth gathers no foot.

----------------------- The trouble with life is there's no background music.

----------------------- THE BILL OF RIGHTS...

(Void where prohibited by law) ----------------------- If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

----------------------- The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.

------------------------- First draw the curve, then plot the data.

------------------------- A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw one hell of a party.

----------------------- IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX? ----------------------- When blondes have more fun do they know it? ----------------------- REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ARE BELOW AVERAGE.

----------------------- What happens if you get scared half to death twice? ----------------------- WHERE THERE'S SMOKE, THERE'S DINNER.

----------------------- OTHER THAN THAT, MRS..

LINCOLN, HOW WAS THE PLAY? ----------------------- Losing a wife can be hard.

In my case it was almost impossible.

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