: #Laughs The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

Posted in: #Laughs

#Laughs The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

- Groucho MarxWe in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman.

And behind her stands his wife.

- Groucho MarxI was married by a judge.

I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho MarxPolitics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

- Groucho MarxEighty percent of married men cheat in America.

The rest cheat in Europe.

- Jackie MasonPerfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands...

but English women only hope to find in their butlers.

- W.

Somerset MaughamThere's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.

It's called marriage.

- James Holt McGavranMarriage was all a woman's idea and for man's acceptance of the pretty yoke, it becomes us to be grateful.

- Phyllis McGinleyMen have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.

- H.

L.

MenckenBachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too.

- H.

L.

MenckenWe must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

- H.L.

MenckenLove is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another.

- H.

L.

MenckenLove is an emotion that is based on an opinion of women that is impossible for those who have had any experience with them.

- H.

L.

MenckenMan is a natural polygamist.

He always has one woman leading him by the nose and another hanging on to his coattails.

- H.

L.

MenckenWhenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage, they are giving evidence at an inquest.

- H.

L.

MenckenLove cures people, both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it.

- Dr.

Karl MenningerA lover tries to stand in well with the pet dog of the house.

- MoliereMarriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out.

- MontaigneA good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

- MontaigneIf a relationship is to evolve, it must go through a series of endings.

- Lisa Moriyama, July 3, 1989A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.

- Ogden NashTo keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up.

- Ogden NashA woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy.

- NietzscheLove matches, so called, have illusion for their father and need for their mother.

- NeitzscheNever be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife.

- PJ O'RourkeNo woman marries for money; they are all clever enough, before marrying a millionaire, to fall in love with him first.

- Cesare PaveseA White House well filled, a little peanut field well tilled, and a wife who will go to the Bronx are great riches.

- Poor Jimmy's AlmanacIt doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out next morning it was someone else.

- RogersA husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

- Helen RowlandWhen a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.

- Helen RowlandWhen you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living.

- Helen RowlandIn olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.

- Helen RowlandI think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.

They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

- Rita RudnerIf you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children..."; they leave skid marks.

- Rita RudnerHappy Vasectomy, Eric.

Your loving wife and children: Chris, Aida, George, Carol, Yolanda, Joan, Shirley, Susan, Anita, Aileen, Jackie, Shelia, Bruce, Dean, Frank and Maxine.

- Rolling Stone Classified AdDon't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.

- Scottish Proverb